Saturday, March 17, 2018

How To Defeat The NHK Bill Collector

I had a dream of floating bodies in the ocean....

It woke me up riding a roller coaster of emotion
Faces down and bobbing in the water
The sharks and crabs were grinning for the slaughter

Billions chosen for disrespecting professional devotion
The mediocrity corrosion is now societies expulsion
One by one, being pulled under by life below
No more worthless words will be spoken
Disappearing in the brine and undertow
Rigor mortis and dead stares frozen

And I was only upset, that this woke me up
And I placed all bets that my sleepy day would suck
The memory is intact but my motivation is fucked
I'm spaced with cold sweats with a set of blue nuts
Because this dream really gave me a boner

And I'm not a nymphomaniac coroner
Let me explain this poem slower to all you foreigners
If I could get high on anti-suck, I'd be a drug addicted stoner

It was all the slimy lawyer fucks, the defend rapists and murderers
And all the whiny emo punks that spit in your burgers
It was the condescending doctors that prescribe drugs that you don't need
And all the never ending telemarketers with tricks up their sleeves
It was the mass of morons that keep sitcoms alive
And the ones that prefer needles in their arms, than dealing with their children's cries
It was the inconsiderate assholes that throw trash in the streets
And the belligerent CEO that pollutes the air and seas
It was the pop stars and actors that are just good enough
And the rock stars with no talent strutting their stuff
It was the leaders of the world that ride the short bus
Sinking to the depths with everything else that sucks

And in the end...
The fish were over fed
For consuming eighty percent of us…


  One of the things I really enjoyed about living in Japan is that not alot of the locals can speak English. So, when ever a sales person would come to the door, I would just pretend that I didn't understand Japanese and they would go away. It would go down like this....


Me- Oh Hello! How can I help you?

Salesperson- wakarimasuka? (Do you understand Japanese?)


Salesperson- EH...UM....Daijoubu (No problem)


But now, after ten years of living here the locals have finally adapted to us barbarians. 

NHK is a television station in Tokyo that collects its fees door to door to keep the lights on at the mother ship, and even if you don't watch television, they will demand money from you. My wife, like most Japanese just shuts the lights off and hides when they show up, and ever since I came into the picture I've been hiding her out like a Jewish sympathizer from the Nazis for over a decade now.

The other day though, one of these guys caught me outside and shit went south real quick. He looked like he was in his mid twenties and when I told him I didn't have a television ( which I don't) his typical over polite Japanese mannerism went aggro.

NHK Guy- Sumimasen, Okusan imasuka? ( Excuse me is your wife home?)


NHK Guy- No problem, I can speak English.

Me- (shit) No, nobody is home right now, and we don't have a television.

NHK Guy- Do you have a cell phone?

Me- Yes, I do. 

NHK Guy- Oh I see it has a tv button. This means you have to sign this contract and give me money.

Me- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

NHK Guy- No! I'm serious! It's a Japanese law! Sign the contract and give me money! (Right then he started to puff up his chest)

Me- But, I have no money. I do have marbles though.

NHK Guy- What?

Me- Here. Let me see that contract. Hey this is in Japanese. I'm not going to sign something I don't understand.


Me- Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Okay, here we go...

(Right then I began to scrawl a big messy P....and A....and T)

NHK Guy- That's the address section!

Me- I change my mind. I am not going to sign this nor shall I give you money. You should come back later.

NHK Guy- Will your wife be home this weekend?

Me- Yes, probably.

NHK Guy- Saturday or Sunday?

Me- Maybe Saturday...maybe Sunday....I don't know.

NHK Guy- Day or night?

Me- Maybe day...maybe night...I don't know.

NHK Guy- I'm coming back!

Me- Do whatcha like. Good luck and have a great night!

And right after my smart ass goodbye he gave me a " I hate foreigners" look, and walked away.

  Now, this idiot really got under my skin and for the next two days all I thought about was tossing him over my balcony when he came back, and this was a mistake on my part because I gave him too much power than he deserved. I let him get inside my head and stress was the only thing that followed. So, if you ever have to experience this don't do what I did because he is just an idiot with a clip board. It sounds like I was having fun with him, but if I didn't take the comedy route my temper would have gotten the better of me, and when this happens it's not good for anyone.

Next time, I think I will just hide under the table with the wife.



Sunday, March 11, 2018

Life In The Slow Lane Is Awesome


I have known my share of assholes in my life....

Including myself, bringing me down

Filling up my world with strife...
I was just another overindulgent clown...

Karma had a funny way of looking over my shoulder

Thank goodness I've gotten wiser and older

And through all the drama of lost souls, so easily baited
I realized, living life in the fast lane was over rated

So, just like the bull grazing on the hill
Looking down upon the cows, wanting a cheap and easy thrill

Stopped, thought, and then stood tall...

And then said to himself...

"Why run, when I can walk down and fuck them all."




  The other day my co worker asked if I was going to his going away shindig. It went like this…
Co-worker- Yo dude, so are you coming to my going away party? We are going to get fuuuuuuuuuuuuucked up!
Me- Um…no…I have to pick up my daughter at her cram school that night, and the schedule at her school is kind of screwy, so she gets out at different times.
Co-worker- Oh…okay. Well let’s have lunch before I leave.
Me- If I’m here, no problem.
  Now, this conversation may sound like I blew him off, but I didn’t. I was telling the truth. But, I was kind of relieved that I could get out of this brew fest at the bar because these days I prefer doing mundane dad stuff. If this question was asked twenty years ago, I would have been in. Shit, I would have said, “Why wait until Friday, let’s get this party started now!” But like I said, that was twenty years ago.
When I lived in Los Angeles my life was crazy. I lived the rock star lifestyle for a good ten years. I’ve partied with celebrities, rocked a lot of shows, and had a lot of drunken sloppy sex with crazy strippers. Was it fun? Yeah, I guess but to be honest with you I have more fun building pirate ships with my six year old son. I get more fulfillment from having conversations with my ten year old daughter. And I have found my life more beneficial by trying to figure out how to raise children properly with my wife.
Is it because of my age I find doing laundry entertaining? Who knows? But at least I don’t have to deal with the hangover and kicking out this weekends mystery girl out of my bed. Living the life as a fuddy duddy is a lot simpler, but it does have it's downside, which is losing your edge when dealing with annoying adults. Kids I have no problem with because they are by bread and butter. I can handle the temper tantrums and changing diapers because I've been living it for the past ten years, but when I have to hang out with people my age and the conversation isn't about "The Kids" a lot of dead air usually follows. But like with everything, there will always be pros and cons.

I will end this post here because I have and important appointment I have to get to which involves a six year old and catching pollywogs.

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Wise One of Japan (Chapter Eleven)

And as Landor sat quietly in the seat of his vehicle, he contemplated in what he should do.

It had been nearly a year now since all of this madness had begun. And throughout this time of chaos, Patrick and his band of rebels had made not only Landor but the entire Neaitan army look ridiculous. Time and time again they had evaded capture, which still to this day this had baffled Landor.

  What should he do? In this situation, normal protocol within the Neaitan army was to contact his superiors, and have them assemble a backup team to come and help with the capture, but then again, Landor wasn’t in the army anymore, and for the first time in his life, he had the responsibility of figuring this one out on his own, and to be honest, he didn’t like this dilemma at all.

  But what if there were more rebels waiting for him out there in the darkness.One or two he could handle without any help, but what if there were more? And the longer he waited, the more worried he became.

“Patrick Andrews is getting farther and farther away.” He thought to himself.

And as much as he hated himself for doing it, Landor pulled out his phone and contacted the Neaitan Army.

 The sun was rising and the group had journeyed on without their leader. And as the shadows began to disappear throughout the underbrush they were traveling through, the tree line of Obake Mori began to become more visible in the distance

. Takashi pushed the group as fast and hard as he could because he knew that if they were spotted out in the open like this, they were sitting ducks. What had happened to his friend? He was wondering to himself, when suddenly he heard something in the distance.

Takashi- Everybody stop and get down.

Trevor- What is it? What’s wrong?

Takashi- Shh, be quiet. I think I heard something.

Trevor- Is that what I think it is?

Manami- It just sounds like a plane. What’s wrong?

Trevor- Well, the only things that fly around here are Neaitan Patrol Crafts, so we better get out of here!

Takashi- I couldn’t have said it any better myself kid. Alright everyone, we have to make to the tree line as fast as possible, so let’s move it out! Wait hold on, what the fuck is that?

Trevor- Someone is running this way! Do you think it’s a Neaitan?

Takashi- I don’t know. It might be Patrick but get ready anyway.

Right then, the old man and then Patrick came bursting through the underbrush, with a squadron of Neaitan soldiers minutes behind in chase.

Patrick- What are you guys waiting for? Run!!! Manami, I will take Mally. I need you to get on your feet and start running as fast as you can! Everyone, move it out! We only have about a quarter of a mile lead on them, but they will catch us, if we don’t start running now!

And without any argument, the entire group was running as fast as they could for the Obake Mori tree line, when suddenly, Neatan Patrol Crafts began to make an appearance in the horizon.

Neaitan Pilot 1- This is Alpha Leader Red; I have the humans in site. Shall we commence firing sir?

Neaitan Commander- Yes of course, Alpha Leader Red. But be careful because we have grounds troops all through out that area. I do not want any unnecessary loss of life, but do what you have to do.

Neaitan Pilot 1- Roger that sir. I am waiting for the ground troops to give us their coordinates, and after that we will attack.

Landor was running as fast as he could to catch his prey. He knew that any minute now, the Neatan Patrol Crafts would start firing throughout the underbrush, which meant that not only his life was at stake but the chance of losing Patrick Andrews as well, when suddenly he ran into three heavily armed Neaitan solders.

Neaitan Squad Leader- Freeze or we will open fire!

Landor- It’s me you idiots! Lower your weapons, and that’s an order!

Neaitan Squad Leader- You are not a commander within this army anymore Landor and you are not supposed to be interfering within this mission. So it would behoove you to turn around and leave this area.

Landor- Well it would behoove you to stop wasting time with me, and catch them before they reach the tree line. What the hell is wrong with you?

Neaitan Squad Leader- You will leave this area now! And that is your final warning!

Neaitan Soldier- Sir, you might want to take a look at this.

Lights began to flicker throughout Obake Mori as a blue fog rolled out from the tree line.

Neaitan Soldier- Sir, our receiver is not working. All I am getting is static. I won’t be able to contact the Patrol Crafts about our position sir. What should I do?

Neaitan Squad Leader- Keep trying soldier, I’m sir there is some logical explanation. Where did Landor go?

Neaitan Pilot 1- Sir, this is Alpha Leader Red, something strange as happened to our radar sir.

Neaitan Commander- What wrong pilot?

Neaitan Pilot 1- The humans have simply vanished sir. They were here a second ago and now all of our screens are completely empty. What should I do sir?

Neaitan Commander- This is what you are going to do pilot. You will kill the humans and then report back to base, and if you and your squadron fail to do so, don’t bother coming back. This nonsense has been going on for far too long. Do you understand me pilot?

Neaitan Pilot 1- Roger that sir. Okay everyone, you heard him. We will all fly as low as possible until we have visual of the humans. And then we shoot to kill.

Neaitan Pilot 2- What about the forest sir? Something strange is happening with the forest. Do you think it’s some type of chemical fire sir?

Neaitan Pilot 1- Never mind the forest, our main priority right now is to not let the humans escape. Now let’s finish this thing and get back to base.

Neaitan Pilot 2- Roger that.

Patrick and his men were running as fast as they could with the ground troop’s right on their tale. And as they closed in on the final stretch, the blue mysterious fog began to close in all around them, until visibility was almost impossible.

Manami- Patrick, what’s happening?

Patrick- I don’t know. Just keep running! We are going to make it.

Trevor was the first to make the tree line but he was stopped dead in his tracks at what was waiting for him on the inside of Obake Mori. Takashi and a few of the other men were right behind Trevor when they had realized what was going on as well, and as soon as the initial shock set in, three of the men began to run in the direction of the charging Neaitan army.

Patrick, Mally, and Manami were only steps from the beginning of the forest when three screaming Japanese men ran right into them.

Patrick- What are you doing? You are going to get yourself killed!



But the three wouldn’t listen and ran as fast as they could from the mysterious forest, and right into the hands of the approaching Neaitan soldiers.

Patrick, Mally, and Manami kept on running though, and ran smack into the group of rebels whose jaws were to the ground.

Patrick- Alright, what the fuck is this shit?

Takashi- Ghosts. And they don’t look too happy.

In front of the group stood a wall of beings glowing in the midst of the trees. A blue gas was seeping out from the army of lost souls, and as the gas mixed with the outside air, the thick dense fog was created, and now on the outside of the tree line, the blue fog had risen above the tree tops and nearly one thousand feet outside its perimeter.

Hundreds of lost souls began to gather closer to the group, and as Patrick and the rest of the rebels looked at each other for an answer, a light began to open a gap between the wall of the dead beings, and in the center of this heavenly glowing light, a silhouette of a young Japanese woman appeared.

Japanese Woman- We will protect you. Now go before it is too late.

And with that warning, the group ran as fast as they could through the wall of spirits, disappearing into the darkness of the forest. And as the Neaitan Army charged through the mysterious blue fog, in search of the elusive Patrick Andrew and his band of misfits, patrol crafts hovered above.

Neaitan Pilot 2- Alpha red leader, I know you said to not pay attention to the forest sir, but it’s really starting to worry me.

Neaitan Pilot 1- I know, I’m beginning to worry about it myself.

Landor had actually killed three Neaitan soldiers in the midst of all this chaos, and as he made his way desperately through the thick fog, he immediately stopped dead in his tracks, in awe, in what was happening to the forest, as well as the rest of the Neaitan soldiers that were blindly feeling their way through the underbrush towards the tree line of Obake Mori. Landor knew something terrible was about to happened, but it was too late.

Neaitan soldiers- Sir, should we turn back sir? Who are they sir? Should we call in for help?

Neaitan Squad Leader- Relax! And that’s an order! I don’t know what’s going on but our orders are to terminate the rebels, and we are not turning back until the mission is completed! Now I want all of you to charge into that forest and kill the enemy!

Neaitan Soldiers- Sir, yes sir!

And as the Neaitans charged the tree line, the faces amongst the thick over growth of Obake Mori began to form into one giant orange light, and then suddenly an explosion of electricity blew from the inner dwellings of the forest, destroying everything in its path. And as the three patrol crafts bursted into flames in the sky, the ground troops below were obliterated from the flying shrapnel of rocks and branches that was carried with the explosion.

Landor lifted his head from the rubble of tree branches and body parts that covered his tired body. And as he looked around to view the destruction, a light breeze began to blow away the remaining blue fog that sat in the once still air. He couldn’t believe it. Everyone had been killed, but him, why?

And as he tried to lift himself to his feet, a sharp pain shot through his body. It was coming from his left leg that was still buried in the aftermath.

But as he tried to lift his leg, a shock as bad as the pain had hit him.

His lower left leg had been completely severed off. And he knew if he stayed where he was any longer he would be found, and since he was now an enemy on both sides, his best bet would be to hide himself in the darkness of the mysterious forest that had just erupted. So, as fast and as best as he could, Landor dragged his damaged body into the depths of Obake Mori.


Patrick and his crew huddled in a circle, staring at each other in disbelief.

Patrick- OK, is every one alright? (Pause) Good. Now, I can’t really explain what had happened back there but I think we can all agree, this past year has been pretty fucking strange. So, let’s just be thankful that we are all still alive and move on, alright?

Everyone nodded their head in agreement.

Patrick- But before we move out, I need a couple of you to help me make sure our surroundings are safe. So, Takashi, Shiro, and Trevor will come with me while the rest of you stay hidden. We shouldn’t be long but if we are not back in an hour, I want everyone to wait until night fall to find your way back to camp.

Patrick then turned to Manami and the remaining five Dashito soldiers.

Patrick- Now, I need you gentlemen to take care of Manami and my daughter here. If anything happens to them, it’s your ass. Am I making myself clear?

Dashito Soldiers- Don’t worry Patrick they will be perfectly safe with us.

Patrick- Alright good answer, okay everyone, let’s get going, and hopefully we will be able to have dinner together back at camp. Let’s go.

Manami- Be careful

And as the sun was making its way to the center of the blue sky, the dust had finally begun to settle in the aftermath of the haunted forest. And from the birds fluttering through the tree branches above to the smalls animals scurrying throughout the brush below, it had seemed as nothing had ever happened in this enchanted place, but as Landor opened his eyes, his world had literally been turned upside down. 

Earlier on that day as Landor was crashing through the trees of Obake Mori, limping in pain from his damaged leg and a rather primitive crutch he had made, he had accidentally stepped into one of Patrick’s booby traps that had been set months prior. And as Landor hung upside down writhing in pain, he had noticed the four humans staring up at him grinning from ear to ear.

Patrick- I told you it would work!

Takashi- Well, it’s about time. These traps have been sitting here forever. They were starting to remind me of our fishing trips.

Shiro- You guys go fishing? How come you never invited me?

Takashi- Consider yourself lucky Shiro. This guy used to drag me to the worst fishing spots. We would never catch anything!

Patrick- Well, we caught us something today. My very first Neaitan!

And I didn’t even have to use any peanut butter!

Shiro- What is he talking about?

Takashi- Don’t listen to him. He’s crazy. What do you mean?

“Your Neaitan, anyway?”

Patrick- Well, I set the trap so it’s rightfully mine.

Takashi- Oh okay, whatever! So, what are you gonna do with it? It looks pissed. I don’t think it’s going to let you adopt it as a pet.

Patrick- Hmm, good question. I don’t know.

Shiro- You should kill it. And if you don’t want to, I will be happy to do it for you.

Landor- Let me down from here!

Takashi- Uh oh, I told you its pissed! Let’s throw rocks at it and see how angry it gets.

Patrick- Dude, you are totally immature and lucky for you, so am I.

Landor- My name is Landor and I am a commander of the Neaitan Army.

Takashi throws rock.

Landor- Ouch...Damn You! How dare you treat me like this! As soon I get free, all three of you should consider yourself dead!

Patrick- Wow, you are pretty scary for someone hanging upside down with one leg. I don’t know guys, what should we do?

Shiro- Let’s kill him and get out of here.

Patrick- Hmm, I don’t know? What do you think Trevor? You’ve been pretty quiet all of this time. What should we do?

Trevor- Well, he said he is a commander, so maybe we should take him hostage or something.

Takashi- Hostage? Are you volunteering in carrying him back to camp? Because I ain’t!

Patrick- Now wait, young Trevor here just might have something. We could drill him for information about the Neaitans?

Takashi- It’s your call.

Patrick- Mr. Landor! I have a proposition for you! If we cut you down and you behave yourself, you can live. But if you refuse, I will let my friend Shiro here play target practice with you. What do you say?

Landor knew that he had no other choice but to agree with the humans, if he wanted to live. So, with a hesitated yes, Patrick cut the rope, and Landor landed like a sack of potatoes on the mossy ground.

 Landor was finally able to catch his wind from the fall, he opened his eyes to see the smiling face of his enemy.

Patrick- Hi, my name is Patrick. If you try anything, my friends and I here will cut you wide open. Understood?

Landor- I know who you are Mr. Andrews. And don’t worry about me, I’ll behave myself.

Patrick- Good, but cut the Mr. Andrews shit. That makes me feel old. Now, personally I agree with my friend Takashi here in that carrying you is going to be a pain in the ass, but I have a lot of questions, so I think keeping you alive is worth it, but if you make me nervous…

Landor- I know, I know Mr. Andrew…I mean Patrick, you will kill me.

Patrick- Good, I am happy that your being a team player. Now, let’s get out of here because the sooner I can get you back to camp, the sooner I can take care of your leg properly.

How To Defeat The NHK Bill Collector

I had a dream of floating bodies in the ocean.... It woke me up riding a roller coaster of emotion Faces down and bobbing in the water ...